"Father forgive me my sins, givee me the nails, I'll hammer them in"

I've been hammering the nails in myself my whole life!

My soul looks like a fucking colander!

"Never underrate the man with nothing left inside"

She tried to move...
She tried to speak...
She tried to cry...
She tried to feel...
She tried to think...

Nothing.
Plain nothing.

She always had a way of protecting herself from the bad things that happen to her, forcing her brain not to think of it, so that that sad thoughts wouldn't disturb her good judgement. Eventually she didn't had to force herself not to think when something bad was happening, her brain would just turn off when the pain starter to appear.

But, as always, there was an inconvenient in this sort of mental power and a price to pay for having it.

When she was smothering a pain utterly strong, her brain wasn't able to just put it behind and think in something else, simpler and happier. When the pain was so strong that she could sense it running through her veins her brain had to completely shut off from everything so that she wouldn't feel it anything at all. She just needed to lay somewhere for a while, alone, her mind and her body as powerless and quiet as a vegetable and afterwards she was able to forget and ignore the sadness, or anger, or frustration inside her.

Needless to say that stronger the pain, the more intense, long and frequent her episodes of numbness and apathy had to be.

Sometimes she feared she would lose her ability to feel anything at all because of this, but she didn't seem to care, it was worth it.

And that's how we got to the begining of this story, where she is lying down for God knows how many time...

Not being able to move,
Not being able to speak,
Not being able to cry,
Not being able to feel,
Not being able to think...

Nothing...
Plain nothing...